Autobiography: The Beginning of it all
Life is a difficult subject to talk about, the times I end up talking about life with
somebody I always end up confused or frustrated. It’s a battle, a battle with me,
looking in the mirror and seeing all of the possibilities, the possibilities of
what I can do, think, or become.
Ideas that can change me, or define who I am, and what I’ll become. Confused of what my life is intended to
be, what my mission will become, or is.
Just how I can feel the wind, feel the heat, or suffer the cold, I can’t
change them, just like my life’s mission.
My mind tells me that the choices I make define my future, but just how I
can’t change the cold, or the heat, my body or the way I think, I can’t change
my mission, no matter what I do.
Everything I do, has already been done, every were I walk; it’s been
walked before, by me. So no matter
what I do, it’s what I’m supposed to live.
somebody I always end up confused or frustrated. It’s a battle, a battle with me,
looking in the mirror and seeing all of the possibilities, the possibilities of
what I can do, think, or become.
Ideas that can change me, or define who I am, and what I’ll become. Confused of what my life is intended to
be, what my mission will become, or is.
Just how I can feel the wind, feel the heat, or suffer the cold, I can’t
change them, just like my life’s mission.
My mind tells me that the choices I make define my future, but just how I
can’t change the cold, or the heat, my body or the way I think, I can’t change
my mission, no matter what I do.
Everything I do, has already been done, every were I walk; it’s been
walked before, by me. So no matter
what I do, it’s what I’m supposed to live.
When I was younger, around the age of
thirteen or so, I thought life was going to be easy.
I would see how people would get frustrated over things I thought had no
importance, at that point I could never really understand them. My ego would
always force me to believe that I would never live that way, that I was smarter
and could find the answer to those situations. Growing up I started to experience
normal day issues similar to the ones I saw people go through, or the usual ones
every teen goes through, and tried to find the easy way out.
That was my way of living at the time, I was very inconsiderate of
others, I only cared about myself, and I didn’t care about what would happened
to other people as long as I was fine nothing else mattered.
These things are so vague to me now; I can go back in my memories dug
away from fear, but only pick out the ones that help me, and fear, not of me,
or that life, but fear of failing my mission. If I die without being satisfied, I know
I failed, if I die out of pleasure, I failed, and if I die when I have nothing
else (my family, my friends, my spiritual guiders, personal belongings, my tools
for life) I have failed my one and only mission.
I
was spiritually dead, with no goals in life, no interest of any sorts. I had felt life had stabbed me in the
back, and that it was everybody’s fault but mine.
I was weak in many areas, and that caused me to be down with almost
anything. I felt so insecure when
people would look at me wrong or even say a comment that I thought was targeted
at me. I would always wonder where
I was going to end up. I was like
a walking corps, with nothing on my mind, and my heart, cold like a rock. I felt nothing could save me, and it
was all because I am hypersensitive.
I don’t use past tense with that word because I will always be like that,
just now I control it.
As I grew older, going to high school affected me a lot; I met new people
and learned new things that weren’t for the best of my well-being or
health. That idea of living the
easy way remained and grew inside me poisoning my thoughts and words. As time passed I had only grown to be a
selfish person. Of course drugs
were involved, and only made it worse; I had used them to cover up my
insecurity, to cover up the pain, and the fear of reality.
It was a path of pleasure and “freedom” that I enjoyed so much of. I enjoyed it so much it became a
compulsion, an obsession that was destroying me slowly and painfully. Not
physically or mentally but spiritually.
The feeling of being able to do anything was so great that till today it
still exist inside of me. Every
day it awakens inside of me and pushes me to do things that sometimes are not
the best choices. But just like my
memories, it slowly becomes vague, why?
Because I know that what I lived ceased to exist, it’s gone away, buried
in my memories. No matter how hard
I try, I won’t go back, because those moments, those feelings, have drifted away
like the wind, I don’t see them, and there gone, new one’s come every day, but
those memories live inside me,
like the air that keeps me alive.
That was my time, and now it’s gone, it was only momentarily to get it
out of my system.
It’s only so much I can say about my past, it’s my feelings that have
been with me my whole life, from the moment I was born, till today, and they
will live inside me till the day I die.
I take a break from writing and look around, and I see it all, I see my
life threw my feelings, but it’s only a distraction. A distraction from my
mission, but just like everything else it’s there for a reason.
Those feelings take me back, to when I was young, just a little boy, full
of fear, and no knowledge of the world.
The funny thing is, never did I imagine my life as it is right now, not
one bit. We all have those ideas
in our minds as children of what we want to become when we get older, but there
never fulfilled like how we picture it.
I personally saw only the big picture, but not the details, the details
that have swept me from my imagination, from the goals I had as a child, the
dreams of what I wanted to be.
Come to think of it though, I never had any goals as a child.
I would hear all the kids my age talking about what they wanted to become
when they were older, but not me, I always thought of silly things, like
floating in space, traveling the world in a car with some friends,
or just being cool like the high schooler's or the kids in higher grades
than me. I never thought of being
a lawyer or a doctor, I didn’t care, I only cared about being cool and sticking
out. What was it that changed
me? I don’t even know.
It’s this passion inside me of floating in space, or traveling the world
in a car with just a couple friends.
I scratched the being “cool” part though, because I’m always the
underdog. I remember so clearly
the night before I was sent to rehab, I was given a choice between staying and
leaving. My first thought was no,
but something inside me said yes, it was that passion, and it fooled my ego and
fed it lies. I began telling
myself, it’s the road to become a badass.
I would come back and show of that I was one tough kid, but it turned out
to be something completely different.
The next day, Sunday February 8th, I woke up to having all of
my things packed, with brand new soaps, lotions, toothpaste, toothbrushes, and
sunscreens for my skin, a new pair
of shoes, a couple shirts and pants.
My parents had it all planed out, and I had no idea.
We left that same day. On
the way, I couldn’t stop thinking of everything, my friends, my belongings, my
life, and how beautiful that feeling was of being what I created.
I didn’t believe what my parents told me about the place though, but I
didn’t care. I was just going back
on it all, feeling proud of what I had become. At night I couldn’t help but look at
the stars, and thinking of life, and how I was ever going to find the answer to
it. I felt that so deep inside of
me, that it became my fuel, that empowered me to be who I was and do what I
did. I started to convince myself
that my journey had taken a turn, and a new adventure was about to begin, an
adventure to find out the truth about me, my life and the reason as to why I
exist.
In my understanding, there is no such thing as change; the only change I
have experienced is in my actions and words. The rest will always be the same, I
still and will always like drugs, except now I am conscious of where it has lead
me and were I’ll end up with them.
I can prove that drugs were not my problem though, yet a symptom, the
real problem was inside of me, and the way my emotions make the decisions for
me. Emotions are what made me go
through with what I did, emotions today are like my worst enemy, the keep me
from thinking twice when confronted with a difficult situation.
Honestly I can go forever explain that, and everything that affects me,
why? Because that’s how damaged I am, and its infinite because no matter how
many days pass, months or years, I always get put down by them.
The only difference with me today is that I accept myself for who I am,
and what I do. I know how not to
let my emotions get in the way, but know how to understand my feelings, my gut
feelings. Today I can say I’m free
from myself and self-pity. Today I can say I am a happy and successful person,
and most importantly…
I am a miracle!
thirteen or so, I thought life was going to be easy.
I would see how people would get frustrated over things I thought had no
importance, at that point I could never really understand them. My ego would
always force me to believe that I would never live that way, that I was smarter
and could find the answer to those situations. Growing up I started to experience
normal day issues similar to the ones I saw people go through, or the usual ones
every teen goes through, and tried to find the easy way out.
That was my way of living at the time, I was very inconsiderate of
others, I only cared about myself, and I didn’t care about what would happened
to other people as long as I was fine nothing else mattered.
These things are so vague to me now; I can go back in my memories dug
away from fear, but only pick out the ones that help me, and fear, not of me,
or that life, but fear of failing my mission. If I die without being satisfied, I know
I failed, if I die out of pleasure, I failed, and if I die when I have nothing
else (my family, my friends, my spiritual guiders, personal belongings, my tools
for life) I have failed my one and only mission.
I
was spiritually dead, with no goals in life, no interest of any sorts. I had felt life had stabbed me in the
back, and that it was everybody’s fault but mine.
I was weak in many areas, and that caused me to be down with almost
anything. I felt so insecure when
people would look at me wrong or even say a comment that I thought was targeted
at me. I would always wonder where
I was going to end up. I was like
a walking corps, with nothing on my mind, and my heart, cold like a rock. I felt nothing could save me, and it
was all because I am hypersensitive.
I don’t use past tense with that word because I will always be like that,
just now I control it.
As I grew older, going to high school affected me a lot; I met new people
and learned new things that weren’t for the best of my well-being or
health. That idea of living the
easy way remained and grew inside me poisoning my thoughts and words. As time passed I had only grown to be a
selfish person. Of course drugs
were involved, and only made it worse; I had used them to cover up my
insecurity, to cover up the pain, and the fear of reality.
It was a path of pleasure and “freedom” that I enjoyed so much of. I enjoyed it so much it became a
compulsion, an obsession that was destroying me slowly and painfully. Not
physically or mentally but spiritually.
The feeling of being able to do anything was so great that till today it
still exist inside of me. Every
day it awakens inside of me and pushes me to do things that sometimes are not
the best choices. But just like my
memories, it slowly becomes vague, why?
Because I know that what I lived ceased to exist, it’s gone away, buried
in my memories. No matter how hard
I try, I won’t go back, because those moments, those feelings, have drifted away
like the wind, I don’t see them, and there gone, new one’s come every day, but
those memories live inside me,
like the air that keeps me alive.
That was my time, and now it’s gone, it was only momentarily to get it
out of my system.
It’s only so much I can say about my past, it’s my feelings that have
been with me my whole life, from the moment I was born, till today, and they
will live inside me till the day I die.
I take a break from writing and look around, and I see it all, I see my
life threw my feelings, but it’s only a distraction. A distraction from my
mission, but just like everything else it’s there for a reason.
Those feelings take me back, to when I was young, just a little boy, full
of fear, and no knowledge of the world.
The funny thing is, never did I imagine my life as it is right now, not
one bit. We all have those ideas
in our minds as children of what we want to become when we get older, but there
never fulfilled like how we picture it.
I personally saw only the big picture, but not the details, the details
that have swept me from my imagination, from the goals I had as a child, the
dreams of what I wanted to be.
Come to think of it though, I never had any goals as a child.
I would hear all the kids my age talking about what they wanted to become
when they were older, but not me, I always thought of silly things, like
floating in space, traveling the world in a car with some friends,
or just being cool like the high schooler's or the kids in higher grades
than me. I never thought of being
a lawyer or a doctor, I didn’t care, I only cared about being cool and sticking
out. What was it that changed
me? I don’t even know.
It’s this passion inside me of floating in space, or traveling the world
in a car with just a couple friends.
I scratched the being “cool” part though, because I’m always the
underdog. I remember so clearly
the night before I was sent to rehab, I was given a choice between staying and
leaving. My first thought was no,
but something inside me said yes, it was that passion, and it fooled my ego and
fed it lies. I began telling
myself, it’s the road to become a badass.
I would come back and show of that I was one tough kid, but it turned out
to be something completely different.
The next day, Sunday February 8th, I woke up to having all of
my things packed, with brand new soaps, lotions, toothpaste, toothbrushes, and
sunscreens for my skin, a new pair
of shoes, a couple shirts and pants.
My parents had it all planed out, and I had no idea.
We left that same day. On
the way, I couldn’t stop thinking of everything, my friends, my belongings, my
life, and how beautiful that feeling was of being what I created.
I didn’t believe what my parents told me about the place though, but I
didn’t care. I was just going back
on it all, feeling proud of what I had become. At night I couldn’t help but look at
the stars, and thinking of life, and how I was ever going to find the answer to
it. I felt that so deep inside of
me, that it became my fuel, that empowered me to be who I was and do what I
did. I started to convince myself
that my journey had taken a turn, and a new adventure was about to begin, an
adventure to find out the truth about me, my life and the reason as to why I
exist.
In my understanding, there is no such thing as change; the only change I
have experienced is in my actions and words. The rest will always be the same, I
still and will always like drugs, except now I am conscious of where it has lead
me and were I’ll end up with them.
I can prove that drugs were not my problem though, yet a symptom, the
real problem was inside of me, and the way my emotions make the decisions for
me. Emotions are what made me go
through with what I did, emotions today are like my worst enemy, the keep me
from thinking twice when confronted with a difficult situation.
Honestly I can go forever explain that, and everything that affects me,
why? Because that’s how damaged I am, and its infinite because no matter how
many days pass, months or years, I always get put down by them.
The only difference with me today is that I accept myself for who I am,
and what I do. I know how not to
let my emotions get in the way, but know how to understand my feelings, my gut
feelings. Today I can say I’m free
from myself and self-pity. Today I can say I am a happy and successful person,
and most importantly…
I am a miracle!